Plus je vieilli et mieux je me portais.

Tout le sel humoristique de ce pun provient de l'utilisation de "used to" , item grammatical qui renvoie dans le passé, alors qu'on attendrait un présent (the better I am) après "The older I  get.."

Une mère s'enquiert des progrès de sa fille à l'école :

Mother : Tell me, Miss Jones. Is my little girl trying?

Teacher : Yes, very! 

"trying" signifie "essayer", "faire un effort" ou "pénible"

  Un élève pas contrariant :

Teacher : John. Give me a sentence beginning with ' I '.
John:     I is the...
Teacher : No, John. You must say "I am" not "I is."
John:    All right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
                 (Hutchinson 1985, 86)

"I" le pronom "je" et I la 9ème lettre de l'alphabet!

  Une personne contrainte de jouer impromptu dans une pièce de théatre raconte ensuite dans une lettre:

As the curtain went up, my prompter, a very pregnant lady, was rushed off to give birth, leaving me to have kittens. 

• curtain : rideau

• prompter : souffleur

• pregnant : enceinte

• rushed off : emmenée d'urgence

• give birth : acoucher

• leaving me : me laissant

  L'expression homonymique (homonymic phrase) "to have kittens" signifie  "être dans tous ses états "ou "avoir des chatons"! 

Le verbe "to stand" a de nombreux sens en anglais comme en témoigne ce "pun"  à classer dans la catégorie des puns militaires.

Three ex-army pals met up with each other in a London pub. The Englishman stood a round; the jew stood around- and the Scot stood 6ft 2in. 

• pal : copains

• met up with each other : se rencontrèrent

• stood a round : paya une tournée

• stand around : rester là à ne rien faire

• stand : (ici) mesurer

• ft = foot : pied (environ 1 mètre)

• in = inch : un pouce (environ 2,4 centimètres)

Difficile de savoir si dans les deux puns qui suivent, le mari fait de l'humour ou s'il souffre du syndrome Mondegreen  (cliquez sur ce mot pour en savoir plus)

(man) "My wife went to the West Indies for a holiday. 

(other man) Jamaica? 

(man) No! She went of her own free will!" 

  "Jamaica" ressemble à "Did you make her?" (tu l'as obligée?).West Indies : les îles Caraïbes

(man) "I took my wife to the East Indies for our holiday. 

(other man) Djakarta? 

(man) No, we went by plane!" 

  "Djakarta" ressemble à "Did you cart her?", (tu l'as emmenée en charrette?)  

Young and inexperienced...  

"I want a house that has got over all its troubles; I don't want to spend the rest of my life bringing up a young and inexperienced house." - Jerome K. Jerome

Je veux une maison qui a résolu tous ses problèmes. Je ne veux pas passer le reste de mon existence à élever une maison jeune et inexpérimentée.

Halo and noose

Be aware that a halo has to fall only a few inches to be a noose. -Dan McKinnon    

  halo = auréole et noose = noeud coulant

Karl Marx's grave – another communist plot. 

  a pun on plot. "plot" signifie à la fois  "parcelle" ou "terrain" et "complot"

Hands

You have this on the one hand and you have that on the other hand, that's why you wring your hands.

Table manners

"On the continent people have good food; in England people  have good table manners." -George Mikes (1926-1987)

"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants."

-A. Whitney Brown 

Anu made this witty remark well before the Americans started to re-count their votes, and Gore got finally bushed!  

"Democracy, government of the people, by the people, and for the people, is only  as good as the governed demand. As recent elections in several places around the globe have illustrated, this leaves a lot to be desired. However, until we invent a better system, it is the best one can get. The presidential race in the US is heating up too and is being closely watched by the citizens of the world. For better or worse, the results of this contest will have repercussions everywhere. Later this year we'll know whether Bush gets gored or Gore gets bushed."  –Anu   

Du bon usage de l'argent

"I have enough money for the rest of my  life unless I buy something" -Jackie Mason

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.  

I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advice them to do it. -Harry S. Truman  

  J'ai découvert que le meilleur moyen de conseiller vos enfants était de trouver ce qu'ils voulaient faire, puis leur conseiller de le faire.

Have you read Crossing the Channel by Frances Near ?

"Frances Near" se prononce comme "France is near"

"I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes.It involves Russia." 

-Woody Allen, author, actor (1935- )

Theory one -books

"These are not books, lumps of lifeless paper, but minds alive on the shelves. From each of them goes out its own voice. . . and just as the touch of a button  on our set will fill the room with music, so by taking down one of these volumes and opening it, one can call into range the voice of a man far distant in time and space, and hear him speaking to us, mind to mind, heart to heart."- Gilbert highet  

Theory two - library                         

"A place where the dead lie." -Elbert Hubbard, author,  editor, printer (1856-1915) [The Roycroft Dictionary]

"The day peace broke out...my missus said to me, "It's up to you...you've got to stop it." I said ,"Stop what?" She said , "The war." -Robb Wilton (radio monologues during the Second World War). 

Later the catchphrase became "The day peace broke out".

The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon.- Charles Schulz, cartoonist (1922-2000)