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Somewhere in the USA. A busstop. 2 italians get in. As they sit down they start an animated conversation. A lady sitting behind them first ignores their talk, but her attention is aroused by what the one italian tells the other.

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come

once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee

twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," the lady calls out."In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives......... " "Hey, coola down lady," says the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella Mississippi'."

Hearing problem

An old man decided his old wife was getting hard of hearing. So he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked.

The Doctor said he could see her in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple, informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of the problem.

"Here's what you do. Start about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal conversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

So that evening she's in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room, and he says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

"Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

So he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?". No response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"

"For the fifth time, chicken!"

The French Nouns

A language teacher was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

"House" in French, is feminine-"la maison". "Pencil" in French, is masculine "le crayon".

One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?" The teacher did not know, and the word was not in her French dictionary. So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender, and asked them to decide whether"computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computer"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ('le computer")

because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the

time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a

little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

Panda

    A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves".

$250

The son of a banker asked his father to lend him $500 but not to give him  more than  $250.Although he was intrigued the father said nothing; he lent his son $500 but only gave him $250. The son then explained that his father owed him $250 while he, his son, owed him $250, too.  So they both  were clear of it.  

I don't know

A student asked one of his friends : "What's the English for 'Je ne sais pas' ?"The other boy answered : "I don't know."

La même blague existe aussi en français : Pierre demande à Paul : "Qu'est-ce que ça veut dire : I don't know ?", et Paul de répondre : "Je ne sais pas."

Men!!! Wanna hear a blonde joke? 

(sent by Dora (Argentina)

Heaven and Hell

This is a list of the ways that professors in different departments grade their final exams:

Dept Of Statistics: All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.

Dept Of Psychology: Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.

Dept Of History: All students get the same grade they got last year.

Dept Of Religion: Grade is determined by God.

Dept Of Philosophy: What is a grade?

English Dept.: Your final exam will be scored by totalling the weight of all the books you read this semester:

40+ pounds - A

30 pounds - B

20 pounds - C

10 pounds - D

<10 pounds - F

Law School: Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.

Dept Of Mathematics: Grades are variable.

Dept. Of Physics: Grades are relative. but... All theoretical physics is really mathematics. See Above.

Dept. Of Chemistry: All theoretical chemistry is really physics. See Above.

Dept. Of Biology: All theoretical biology is really chemistry. See Above.

Dept. Of Logic: If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.

Dept. Of Marxist Studies: The history of all hitherto existing society is the history of class struggles. Therefore, everyone will now get the same grade!

Dept. Of Economics: All of your grades, as a collection, will reach the level where your marginal product (MP) of labour for each individual grade is equal.

Dept. Of Operations & Logistics Management: Grades will be posted *at* 12:00 Noon. NOT 11:59 -- NOT 12:01

Dept. Of Computer Science: Random number generator determines grade, but... YOUR grade is an object in a class of its own.

Music Department: Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).